Why Some People Dislike Small Talk
Have you ever met someone at a networking event who seemed uncomfortable talking?
It’s tempting to assume they’re shy, antisocial, or simply not good at networking. More often than not, that’s the wrong conclusion.
Understanding the DISC styles (which I call Eagles, Parrots, Doves, and Owls) helps us understand why two people may avoid small talk for entirely different reasons.
Consider an Owl and a Dove at the same event. The Owl answers a few questions, offers a polite smile, then quietly shifts into listening mode. The Dove enjoys meeting people but isn’t interested in working the room or collecting business cards. Neither is likely to ask, “So… what do you do?” ten times an hour.
Although their behavior looks similar, what’s happening beneath the surface is very different.
Owls are naturally curious thinkers. They enjoy analyzing ideas, solving problems, and exploring complexity. They aren’t avoiding people. They’re waiting for a conversation that challenges their thinking.
Doves seek depth for an entirely different reason. They value trust, authenticity, and meaningful relationships. Casual conversation isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but many Doves would rather have one sincere discussion than a dozen superficial exchanges. They aren’t avoiding interaction. They’re seeking genuine connection.
This explains why both styles can seem reserved, even though their motivations are completely different. An Owl wonders, Will this conversation be intellectually interesting? A Dove wonders, Will this conversation become personally meaningful?
Once an Owl discovers a topic worth exploring, they often become one of the most engaging people in the room. Once a Dove feels emotionally safe, they ask thoughtful questions, listen with genuine empathy, and create conversations people remember long after they’re over.
Now imagine someone with strong Owl and Dove tendencies. Small talk can feel like the worst of both worlds. It isn’t intellectually stimulating enough for the Owl, nor personally meaningful enough for the Dove.
Contrast that with the other styles. Parrots often use conversation to create energy, find common interests, and build relationships quickly. Eagles naturally steer discussions toward goals, opportunities, and results. Every style connects. They simply connect differently.
The lesson extends far beyond networking events. Managers sometimes mistake quiet employees for disengaged ones. Sales professionals may misread thoughtful prospects as uninterested. Teams often overlook valuable contributions because someone doesn’t process or communicate the way others do.
Behavior tells us what people do. Style helps us understand why.
That’s one of the most powerful lessons from Taking Flight with DISC. When we learn to recognize the motivations behind behavior, we stop making inaccurate assumptions and start having conversations that bring out the best in every style.
The next time someone skips small talk, don’t assume they have nothing to say. They may simply be waiting for a conversation worth having.
About the Author
Merrick Rosenberg is the author of Personality Intelligence: Master the Art of Being You, The Chameleon, and many other books for adults, students, and kids. He is the creator of the Eagle, Parrot, Dove, and Owl personality approach. As an award-winning speaker and President of Take Flight Learning, Merrick teaches people how to understand themselves and others through the lens of personality, because when you know your style, you unlock your path.
